Luna's Mixer
by llxxRawr its Beansxxll
Summary: Based on 'Neptune's Spatula'. I own nothing.


On a friend's excursion, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash browse through the vast selection of the Ponyville Cooking Museum.

Pinkie: Behold the ultimate cooking utensil; The Golden Mixer!

Big Mac tries his best to pull the mixer out of its grease trap, but to no avail.

Rainbow: Hey Pinkie, look what it says here.

The cyan Pegasus reads a plaque below the mixer.

Rainbow: "Many have tried to pull the mixer from this ancient grease, but all have failed."

Pinkie: "Only a cook worthy of Princess Luna herself can wield…"

Rainbow and Pinkie: "…The Golden Mixer." Wow.

Pinkie: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Take a picture of me and the mixer!

She traverses up the grease and does a heroic pose by the cooking utensil.

Pinkie: Okay, I'm ready!

Rainbow prepares to take a picture, but Granny Smith taps her on the shoulder.

Granny Smith: 'Scuse me, do y'all know where tha' menu section is?

Rainbow gets her map out of her saddlebag and holds it upside-down while staring at it, confused.

Rainbow: Uhh…

Pinkie: Menu section? That's easy. It's over that way.

While pointing Granny Smith to her desired location, she accidentally releases the mixer from its grease prison. Gray cumulus clouds appear above her, swirling on the ceiling.

Pinkie: Uh-oh.

Granny Smith: (deep voice) HOLY SMOKES!

Unlike an old lady, she gallops away at full speed.

Rainbow: Dude…Hey, the light changed!

Pinkie: Uh, Rainbow Dash…

Rainbow: Hold on, almost there.

The clouds open up and reveal a carriage being flown by four black Pegasi with evil looks on their faces. Sitting in the carriage is a mysterious hooded figure. Pinkie can just recall seeing her a few months ago, but she can't put her hoof on it.

The carriage comes to a halt on the floor of the museum, and the figure slowly opens the door and steps out. She slowly removes the hood and reveals her identity to her loyal subjects.

Luna: Yes, yes, at last! Somepony worthy of being the royal cook! Who has freed the mixer from the grease?

Pinkie: Uh, I did, Princess Luna, Your Majesty.

Luna: A fine jest, girl. You are but a lowly pink Earth pony. Puny…

She shrinks down with the spatula.

Luna: …insignificant…

She curls up into a fetal position.

Luna: …a commoner.

Pinkie, hurt by Luna's insults curls up and tries to hide behind her curly mane.

Luna: Therefore, you could never be cook to a goddess, and this is why it is funny! _**Hahahahahaha! **_Now, step aside as I seek out the real cook.

On her search for the true royal cook, she comes across Scootaloo, mouth agape and staring at Rainbow Dash.

Luna: Ah! A purveyor of foods. Yes, you must be my new cook.

Scootaloo: Look, if this is about that chicken meme, Applebloom just called me that once. Get over it.

Luna: Then who pulled the mixer from the grease?

Scootaloo: Well, Pinkie did.

She points to Pinkie, standing proudly with the mixer.

Luna: _**Hahahahahahahaha! **_It is even funnier a second time!

She pounds Scootaloo into the ground with her royal hoof and comes across a big, red farm colt.

Luna: You there, muscular stallion!

Big Mac: Who, me?

Luna: You have the physique of Atlas!

Big Mac: Hehe, thanks, ah work out.

Luna: Make poses with me!

Big Mac: Uh...okay.

Luna strikes seductive poses at the boys, while Big Mac flexes and shows off his muscles to Luna and the other mares. Rainbow Dash in particular enjoys his routine.

Luna: You pulled the mixer from the grease!

Big Mac: Nope, that was Miss Pinkie.

She points to her, still with a dopey grin on her face.

Luna: _**This joke has gone far enough! Where's my cook?!**_

Everypony splits the set, except for Rainbow Dash and Pinkie.

Luna: Certainly you, with your prodigious athleticism, would know how to cook a sandwich to suit a royal palate.

Again, a hoof is delivered in Pinkie's direction.

Luna: What?! Am I expected to believe this creature is royal cook material?! I don't suppose you have any proof?

Rainbow pulls out a still photograph of Pinkie pulling out the mixer.

Luna: Ha! This thing is unfit to even scrub the royal tail! And besides, it's not just enough to pull a mixer from a greasy griddle. There are certain qualities that a royal cook must have.

Pinkie: Like…?

Luna: The royal cook must be left-hoofed.

Pinkie: Actually, I have four.

The royal alicorn princess tries to think of another false quality.

Luna: Also, the royal cook has red fur.

When she blinks, Pinkie is suddenly red.

Luna: No, blue.

Another blink, and Pinkie is azul.

Luna: The royal fry cook's saddlebag contains…

She holds it out in anticipation.

Luna: Her hooves…

She gets on her back and holds up her hooves.

Luna: Uh…she has fingers…

Rainbow: She is the new royal cook, and you-!

Luna: _**SILENCE!**_

Rainbow Dash gets zapped by Luna's mighty horn.

Rainbow: Is it hot in here, or what?

A burned Rainbow's knees weaken, and she falls to the floor.

Pinkie: (gasp) Dashie! You hurt my friend! You're not a princess! You're a bully and a liar!

Luna: So, pink one, you think you have what it takes to become my royal cook? I will prove your worthlessness! You will be tested with a challenge!

Rainbow: Bring it on! Pinkie Pie can handle any-

She receives another zap from Luna, blackening her further.

Rainbow: Ouch.

Luna: Your friend's arrogance will cost you dearly. There will be two challenges!

Rainbow: Only two? What are two challenges to somepony like Pinkie-

As punishment for her outburst, electricity is sent flying towards her once more.

Luna: Three challenges!

Rainbow: Three? Hahahaha! Three challenges is nothing! Might as well make it 500 challenges!

Luna: _**ENOUGH!**_

She zaps Rainbow until she is just a dust pile on the floor.

Rainbow: She'll settle for one.

Luna: There will be but one challenge. You will face me in…The Ultimate Cook-Off!

Pinkie: I will accept your challenge…if you fix my friend.

Luna: Ah, yes, the rainbow one. I shall restore her.

She sends a beam of light her way, restoring Rainbow Dash, but with no visible face.

Rainbow: Pinkie? Pinkie?!

She turns around to reveal that her face is now on her tail.

Rainbow: Pinkie! Oh, there you are.

Pinkie: How you feeling?

Rainbow: Pretty good. Say, have you gotten taller?

Luna: And now, see the fate that may lie ahead. For, if by some minute chance, you meet the challenge, your reward will be great. Behold!

She opens up a hole in the clouds and shows Tara Strong in the shower.

Tara Strong: AAAAAAH! AAAAAAH! AAAH!

Luna closes the clouds quickly and blushes.

Luna: Hehe, whoopsie. Now, behold!

She opens the heavens again and reveals a greeting card-like picture of the royal palace.

Luna: My beloved home of Canterlot! A prize worthy of Celestia and myself. You will reside here in this glorious palace, cook only for me, and my sister on alternate weekends, and be a goddess!

Rainbow: Hey, that sounds pretty good.

Luna: But if you should not succeed, you must give up cooking forever! What do you say?

Pinkie: …I'm ready.

Luna: Very well then. To the Luna Dome!

She teleports them all to a huge arena, painted black and with a boxing-style ring in the center. The floor was a deep purple, and the ropes were solid black. Pretty cool ring, if you ask me. Celestia didn't show up for some reason, though.

Twilight was in the center, speaking into a microphone and addressing the crowd.

_Twilight: Fillies and gentlecolts, welcome to The Ultimate Cook-Off!_

Everypony in the audience lets out a loud cheer.

Twilight: Alright, girls. First to a thousand sandwiches wins.

Luna and Pinkie shake hooves, but Luna ends up burning one of Pinkie's forelegs so badly that it burns off.

Pinkie: May the best mare win.

Twilight: Go back to your corners and when the bell sounds, start cooking!

She whispers over to Pinkie secretly as Luna retreats to her corner.

Twilight: Don't worry, Pinkie. I have total confidence in you!

She gallops over to the bidding table with numerous bits in her hooves.

Twilight: Put it all on Luna!

Meanwhile, in the ring, Rainbow is giving Pinkie a shoulder massage before the match.

Pinkie: I'm not good enough to cook in Canterlot, Rainbow Dash. I should have never taken the challenge.

Rainbow: Don't give up on your dream, Pinkie! Ponies used to tell me, "Rainbow Dash, you'll never amount to anything. You'll always have your head in the clouds." But just look at me now.

The bell dings, and Rainbow pushes Pinkie out of the corner.

Rainbow: Go get 'em, tiger!

Luna starts the competition by raising a wheat farm from thin air and toasting it so that it turns into fresh bread. Pinkie simply gets a loaf of bread out from the table.

Next, Luna summons hay from out of nowhere and microwaves it with magic from her mighty horn. Pinkie takes her time and waits patiently for the hay to cook above a small fire.

Luna then acquires lettuce, tomatoes, and onions, and chops them all up with magic. Pinkie measures a tomato carefully, then cuts a very thin slice out of it.

The mighty princess throws all the ingredients up in the air so that they all stack together into perfect sandwiches, while Pinkie takes the time to put smiley faces on two pickles, then cover them up in a blanket made out of a slice of cheese. She gently kisses them both, then gets out a book of fairy tales.

Pinkie: Once upon a time…

Luna: _**Hahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahhaha!**_

The final score is Princess Luna: 1,000, Pinkie Pie: 1.

Luna: _**I win! **_

Everypony except for Pinkie, holding her little sandwich, cheers for Luna, who obviously had an unfair advantage.

Luna: Loser! Free sandwiches for everypony!

Everypony gets a sandwich from Princess Luna, but as son as they take a bite, they spit it out in disgust.

Luna: Foals! Have you no taste buds?! There's nothing wrong with these, they're delicious!

Random Colt: Hey, let's see you eat one!

The crowd chants for Luna to eat one of her sandwiches, but she cannot bring herself to do so.

Luna: Okay, mine's no good. But what makes you think hers will be any better? Give me that!

She grabs the burger and chomps on it. Slowly, the delicious flavors from each of the carefully-placed ingredients envelop her tongue into an aroma of tastes.

Luna: Mmmm. Why, this is so good, I'd like to try it a second time!

She spits the sandwich out and devours it again.

Everypony: Eww!

Pinkie: So, uh, what do you think?

Luna: Yours is superior. Therefore, I concede to you, Pinkie Pie. You win.

The crowd cheers for the pink pony as her and Rainbow Dash dance around in a circle and sing.

Rainbow and Pinkie: _We're going to Canterlot! We're going to Canterlot!_

Luna: _**Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!**_

Pinkie: What's so funny?

Luna: You, Pinkie Pie. That repulsive thing in my palace?

Pinkie: You mean…Rainbow Dash can't come?

Luna: Haha, no, of course not!

Pinkie: And my friends?

Luna: Ah, the only friend you need, dear girl, is the royal grill.

Rainbow: (crying) It was nice knowing you, Pinkie.

She flies away quick as a bullet to cry in solitude.

Twilight, with her head in her front hooves, comes to say good-bye next.

Pinkie: I know, Twilight, I'll miss you too.

Twilight: I LOST MY BET!

Twilight gallops away, and Luna teleports suitcases by Pinkie's side.

Luna: Come, Pinkie Pie. Grab your things. It's time to depart…

She summons a two-seater bike.

Luna: …to Canterlot!

She hops on and rings the bell for Pinkie to do the same.

Pinkie: I…I…(crying) I don't wanna go!

She sits and wails on the ground.

Luna: It's too late now. I can't live without your sandwiches. _**You're going to be a goddess and like it!**_

She zaps Pinkie and gives her wings and a horn, making her an alicorn. However, due to her being the same size, it is kind of awkward.

Luna: Maybe we do have a problem.

Pinkie: _**Wait, Luna! I have a better idea! **_

She uses her magic to teleport them back to Sugarcube Corner. Rainbow Dash, with her tail still on her face, walks backwards through the doors of the Cakes' Bakery.

Rainbow: Morning, Pinkie!

A now normal Pinkie pops up behind the counter to greet her friend.

Pinkie: Hey, Dashie. What'll you have?

Rainbow: Uhh…

Luna: _**AAAAAAAH!**_

Pinkie: Can you excuse me?

Pinkie goes to tend to Luna, who is now wearing an apron and chef hat in the kitchen.

Luna: This accursed stove has burnt my hoof! _**Feel thine own wrath, stove!**_

She uses her horn and sends lightning at the stove.

Pinkie: What did I tell you about using your powers, trainee?

Luna: Uh…Perfect cupcakes are made with love, not magic.


End file.
